As I mentioned in my first post, I will have to share some intimate personal information so that you can understand me. I am not here for a pity party but I am here to educate you, the reader, on who I am and why I am. I've encountered many tragedies and this one is very hard for me to share...but it's important. I'll provide an overview of it but will not go into full detail
Murder/Suicide
Family life was always difficult for us. My father was a militant/authoritarian type disciplinary yet loving father. My mother was a very loving, nurturing and very supportive on everything I've done. My father tended to drink a lot would use his loud Khmer dialect to yell and scold us. At times he would use his hands and many other objects around the house to discipline me and my family. There are many times when the police would be called to help us and protect us, but no charges would ever be made. When I was 12 years old, I was finally old enough and strong enough to stand up to him and fight back. After that, our relationship deteriorated even further.
Unfortunately this is quite typical in a lot of Cambodian and Southeast Asian families, but domestic violence will always be wrong. My father had a few strokes within the last few years of his life. My father was always depressed and angry. The Khmer Rouge left a lifetime of pain for him. Today with my education as a Medical Social Worker, I'm certain that he would be diagnosed with depression and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) caused by the war in Cambodia.
Fast forward to December 2000. One night, I can home from hanging out with my friends. With his breath smelling like Hennessy, my dad wanted to talk to me. At this point of our relationship we didn't talk so I knew something was wrong. He asked me if I can take care of the family if he and my mother weren't around. We began to argue and it escalated fast. I look for my mom and find her in bed, not resting, but dead. I was enraged and started to yell "why?" Tears filled my eyes and I fight with my father, after knocking him down on the ground, he pulled out his newly purchased gun, put it his mouth and pulled the trigger.
To this day, December 9th of each year I have a breakdown. As time passes, it gets easier. Most people say time heals wounds, but not this...not for me. I will never forget what I saw that night. No one in this world deserves to see what I have seen and it's imprinted in my head. I've suffered from PTSD and depression, but I never let anyone see it. I've suffered from grief and guilt that I haven't been able to shake. I had to see counselling when I was attending San Jose State University because I was taking a domestic violence class that brought back so many bad memories. I had a mental break in August 2013, when I became depressed because I graduated with my MSW and couldn't find a job and had a pressure sore that kept me limited in what I could do. During counselling I learned that I have not had closure because of the murder/suicide. I always told my mom that I would protect her from him...I didn't. I did my best, but I wasn't there that night. My counselor reminded me that I would not always be able to be by her side to protect her and this is not my fault.
This by no means is a way for me to seek pity from you. This is a way for you to see how my upbringing was and why I am who I am today. I stay busy so that I don't think about my past. I use my family time as a way to rebuild the family we have. I have a beautiful wife that supports me in everything I do. I have a beautiful sister that has given me the pleasure of having two nephews and a niece.
As a kid, I played tennis, baseball, football, basketball, roller hockey, ice hockey, swam competitively, raced BMX bikes, snowboarded. Today, even after my spinal cord injury, I play and have participated in wheelchair basketball, wheelchair tennis, monoski (skiing for person's with disabilities), sled hockey, handcycling, water skiied, kayak, and now I started swimming and training for a para-triathlon. I stay as busy as I can because it's so painful to just sit and think about my past.
Sports and recreation is a way for me to escape my own mind, the shadow that chases after me. I still have my nightmares and endless nights of unrest, but I am coping and surviving. I've gained strength and perseverance through this tragedy and it has helped me through my next chapter in life that happened on August 25, 2002: Spinal Cord Injury
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